BLACK CAP SATURDAY

I have never been in possession of a full driving licence. I've held a provisional on a couple of occasions, but have never gone through to taking the test with it. There are no doubt pedestrians and other drivers who are grateful for this fact. I hold the distinction of being the only man in Shetland who has driven a Ford 8 van up a flight of steps backwards. I hasten to add that this action was unintentional - I was about seventeen at the time, and it pleased my long-suffering father not one bit. The vehicle was slightly shorter and higher as a result of the incident, and the front doors wouldn't open or close after it.

Whether this episode put me off driving for life, or for other reasons, I have had no subsequent interest in getting behind the wheel. Consequently, whenever I need to get anywhere beyond reasonable walking distance, I have to get someone else to do the driving, whether by bus, taxi or with a friend or family member at the wheel of a private vehicle.

So I have bribed and cajoled my sister Mary to give me a lift, this coming Saturday, to the parish of Voe, in the north mainland of Shetland, where the annual Voe & District Agricultural show is to take place. The committee have invited me to be a judge in the Arts & Crafts section, and I am very much looking forward to the day. I have performed this pleasant duty on several occasions in the past, and have always enjoyed these days to the full. There are always beautifully-made articles in the crafts section, and excellent drawings, paintings and other 2D exhibits too.

On one past occasion, I had had a few lemonades and other beverages the previous evening, and had turned up feeling a little the worse for wear. I found myself gazing at a lovely piece of embroidery, in the form of a framed text which stated "He who hoots with the owls all night cannot soar with the eagles in the morning." I burst out laughing at these mots juste, to curious glances from my fellow judges and stewards.

The judging process has to be a careful mixture of objective and subjective reasoning, and I must be doing something right, as they keep asking me back. Roll on Saturday!