ON SELFISHNESS AND SELF-EMPLOYMENT

I am a self-employed artist, and, for more than a quarter of a century, I have been single. This means that I am self-contained, self-obsessed and self-catering. This also means that I am a painter, accountant, filing clerk, computer operator, receptionist, despatch room clerk, cook, kitchen porter, chamberpot (or should that be chambermaid?), cleaner and general fac totum. I sack myself frequently from these posts, but I usually find that I have to be re-employed in the same positions later. You just can't get the staff these days.

There are certain things which I am obliged to delegate to more skilled individuals, however, and, on the afternoon of Wednesday 2nd December, I found myself having my locks trimmed by a hairdresser who was suffering from a dreadful dose of hiccups. "I've - eek - had them all day!", she confessed ruefully. I was glad she was using nothing more dangerous than a comb and scissors. Had she been operating a razor, the scene would have resembled a Sweeney Todd film set. The poor girl was probably sacrificing her digestive system in a futile and pointless attempt to reach a dress size zero. I suggested peppermint, but this probably came too perilously close to eating something for her liking.

That same afternoon, I posted the first batch of Christmas cards for this year. These were all going to destinations outside this country, and today I plan to get the task up to date with the ones for UK addresses. The Christmas spirit has yet to kick in for me, and I don't suppose it will in the same manner it used to in the days when I was a choir member. The weeks leading up to December 25th were marked by increasingly frequent practices of the music we were to perform on the day, and these are happy memories of unselfish times for me.

My greatest achievement of the last two weeks has undoubtedly been the successful creation of my first meat roll, to the recipe which my mother used to regularly present us with a really tasty and substantial meal. It required the use of a mincer and pudding steamer, both of which I had acquired over the past few weeks. However, I discovered that I didn't have a saucepan big enough to hold the steaming bowl, so I had to scrounge one off my kindly neighbours downstairs! For a first attempt, the result was truly a masterpiece! My next acquisition will have to be a 26cm saucepan, as I can't always rely in the charity of others - I wonder where I'm going to find space to store it!

My mother comes back from her occasional fortnight's respite care at the Wastview Centre tomorrow, and I intend to be at her home in Whiteness, to see that the place is warm and to greet her on her arrival, as I usually do. My present main worry is the long-range weather forecast, which is predicting cold weather and wintry showers for next week. I must be in a minority of people (as always) who desperately do not want a white Christmas, as this would inevitably mean transport problems for the carers on whom my mother relies for her continued wellbeing. I'm afraid that Bing Crosby's dream is a nightmare for me!

I hope all your dreams are sweet ones this week!